Things They Don't See
by weirdgirl42
Summary: Jennifer Keller thinks about the things other people don't get to see. McKeller.


_Title: Things They Don't See  
Author: Weirdgirl42  
Spoilers: None really.  
Summary: Jennifer Keller thinks about the things other people don't get to see.  
Disclaimer: I don't own nuthin'  
Author's Note: I used to be a McWeir shipper but have decided that these two are too cute to pass up. So I guess it's McKeller all the way now.  
_

**Things They Don't See**

There were so many things they didn't know.

Sometimes Jennifer Keller wishes she could wear a tiny camera around for a while, just to capture the moments where Rodney was a completely different person. She wishes she could have a record to show to the people who raised their eyebrows with curiosity or scoff with almost distain when they learn of her relationship with the scientist. There are times when people's reaction to him makes her angrier than she can ever remember being. It isn't fair that they judge him so harshly. He can be annoying, sure, but that is so little of what he is.

One time, in the first year of their relationship, she told him how angry she gets when people are cruel to him. He had laughed, pulled her close against his side, and kissed her temple. "They don't see this," he'd said, "and they probably never will. And who cares? You see me, I don't need them to."

She thinks about those words a lot. It was true. She saw him, and most other people didn't. Even John, Teyla, Ronon, and Sam—who were among the few people whose comments didn't bother her because she knew they were only in jest—even his beloved team didn't get to see some of the Rodney she saw.

They never saw what a cuddler he was. That had been a huge surprise to her when they had first got together. Whether it's watching a movie, going over systems' operations, or in the post-coital bliss, Rodney always wanted to be in contact with her. She quickly learned that his favorite position was laying with his head in her lap while she ran her hands absently through his hair. He had once told her that it was the best cure for stress he had ever known. She had never told him, but watching his forehead relax and his eyes close as she tried to rub the worry from his mind was one of her favorite things in the world.

Most people didn't know that Rodney left her notes wherever she went. She would find them in her jacket pocket or hidden in her desk drawer, scrawled on scraps of paper in his messy handwriting. Most of the time they would just be funny or interesting facts. But sometimes they would be surprisingly eloquent messages of affection. It was true that he was absolutely hopeless when it came to expressing his feelings in person, it had taken him a year and a half to repeat the declaration of love he'd made in the video even though, but in writing he had said it hundreds of times from their second date on. She says most people don't know about this because one time Teyla had caught her reading a note in the infirmary. She had giggled and revealed the secret to the Athosian woman who had smiled, seemingly unsurprised, and promised not to tell.

She was fairly certain that no one knew what his real fears were. They saw him hesitate to take on dangerous missions, or shrink back when under attack. They thought he feared his own death. It wasn't 

until the first time she'd walked in on one of his panic attacks that she realized what he was truly afraid of.

It had been five weeks into their relationship. She had just gotten comfortable enough to access his quarters without knocking first. She was checking up on him after a particularly dangerous mission where the team had been captured by the Wraith and their survival depended on Rodney's ability to reprogram the ship's mainframe to release the darts and then each door to open in sequence so they could escape. He had done it and she had expected to find him bouncing off the walls with adrenaline and self-importance.

What she found instead was a broken man sobbing fully clothed in his shower. She walked into his quarters and called his name. When she got no response she heard the shower running and knocked on the bathroom door, not intending to go in but to let him know she was there. When she still had no response after knocking several times she went into doctor-mode and ran through the list of things that could be making him unresponsive. Quickly deciding that potential embarrassment was an acceptable outcome on the off chance he was hurt she pushed open the door.

When she saw him sitting in the shower, knees curled to his chest as his shoulders shook with sobs, it took everything in her not to start crying as well. She turned off the water, which was cold by then, and wrapped a towel around his shoulders before sitting down next to him. His face was hidden against his knees but she gently pulled on his shoulders until it was rested against his chest. She didn't make shushing sounds or ask what was wrong, she just held him tightly and ran her hands through his hair the way she knew he liked.

After a while the tears stopped and his breathing evened out. She kissed the top of his head and said into his hair, "Do you want to tell me?"

"I can't let them die," he said.

"You didn't. You saved them."

"But I can't do it forever. One day, one day I won't be good enough. Smart enough. Fast enough. One day we'll all die and it'll be my fault."

"No," she whispered. "You do the best that you can. No one can ask more of you."

"It's not good enough. They expect me to be able to fix it every time. What happens when I can't?"

"Let's worry about that when it happens."

"Easy for you to say."

She kissed his head again. "Yeah you're right. You're the one who'll be dead."

He chuckled and sat up, looking around as if realizing for the first time where they were exactly. "So I'm guessing I should have waited a while longer before sobbing against you in my bathroom."

She just smiled and pressed her lips to his.

Now she clenches her teeth when John teases Rodney about being afraid. If he only knew what the scientists real fears were.

Of all the things she feels privileged at having witnessed over the course of their relationship, it is the past year and a half that has topped it all. No one knew about Rodney's penchant for lying with his head in her lap. And no one knew how much more often he'd done it after they learned of the life growing inside her. No one knew that when he thought she was asleep he would talk to his unborn child. Everything from reciting the periodic table to whispering how much he would always love it.

No one else saw that the day she'd told him she was pregnant was the same day his ultimate fears had changed. Now it wasn't about saving her and the team and Atlantis. Now it was about protecting his child. His fears of inadequacy no longer had to do with calculations and failing as a scientist but failing as a father. Fears she alone saw were completely unfounded.

When little Elizabeth had been born, everyone had seen the awe in Rodney's face. But she was the only one to see the patience he exhibited with their tiny daughter. How he would pace back and forth with her at night to calm her cries. How when he returned from a mission he no longer ran to the infirmary to get his post-mission check up over with, he ran their to lift his baby girl out of her mobile play-pen and hold her above his head, making her squeal with delight before holding her against his chest and breathing in the smell of her hair.

No one else saw that, at night, he would kneel beside his daughter's crib and tell the story of Elizabeth Weir and the Atlantis expedition and Aunt Jeannie and how he would love both his girls forever.

So she gets less angry when people say things about him that aren't true. She knows they can't really help it. They don't see the things she sees.

**The End**

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